Embracing the Cracks: Navigating Accumulated Grief and Trauma
It’s not uncommon for clients to walk into my counselling room and, with an air of quiet shame, tell me, “I don’t know why I’m finding life so hard. I feel like I should be able to cope.” Yet as their stories unfold, I hear a litany of hardships, losses, and traumas—circumstances that would test anyone’s resilience. Often, they have been carrying an unacknowledged weight for so long that they’ve convinced themselves their struggles are insignificant, that their pain is something they should simply push through.
This downplaying of pain is a survival mechanism, a way to keep moving forward when life feels overwhelming. But just because we’re capable of surviving doesn’t mean the toll isn’t real. Accumulated grief and trauma often manifest not only in emotional exhaustion but also in physical fatigue, leaving us feeling depleted and disconnected from ourselves.
The Kintsugi Bowl: A Metaphor for Healing
In Japanese culture, there is a beautiful practice called kintsugi. When a ceramic bowl is broken, it is not discarded but rather repaired with gold, highlighting the cracks and making the bowl even more unique and precious than it was before. This practice embodies the philosophy that adversity and imperfection can create beauty and strength.
Many of us try to hide the cracks in our lives, believing they make us weaker or less worthy. Yet, like the kintsugi bowl, our scars and struggles tell a story of resilience and transformation. They are proof of what we have endured and the ways we have grown. However, embracing this perspective requires a conscious effort to acknowledge and work through the pain that has shaped us. This is where counselling can play a transformative role.
Survival Mode and Its Consequences
When life throws one challenge after another, it’s natural to slip into survival mode. In this state, we focus on getting through the day, often suppressing our emotions and minimising our experiences to keep going. While survival mode is a necessary short-term response, staying in this state for too long can take a significant toll.
Physically, accumulated stress can lead to fatigue, tension, and even chronic health issues. Mentally, it can leave us feeling numb, detached, or overwhelmed by unresolved emotions. Over time, this accumulation can make it difficult to connect with others or find joy in life, perpetuating a cycle of isolation and self-blame.
The Role of Counselling in Healing
Counselling offers a space to step out of survival mode and begin the process of acknowledgment and healing. Here, you are invited to share your story without fear of judgment, to explore the emotions you’ve suppressed, and to recognise the impact of the hardships you’ve faced. Through this process, the weight you’ve been carrying can begin to feel lighter.
Together, we can:
Acknowledge the impact of your experiences: By naming and validating your pain, we can break through the narrative that you "should be coping better."
Process unresolved emotions: Grief, anger, fear, and sadness often remain trapped within us, creating tension and distress. Counselling helps to gently untangle these feelings.
Reconnect with your inner strength: Just as the kintsugi bowl is repaired with gold, we can explore the strengths and insights you’ve gained through adversity, allowing you to see your scars as a testament to your resilience.
Build tools for the future: Navigating life’s challenges doesn’t mean eliminating hardship, but it does mean building the capacity to respond with self-compassion and clarity.
Moving Toward Wholeness
There is no shame in seeking support. In fact, it is an act of courage to acknowledge that you deserve care and healing. Life’s difficulties are not a reflection of your inadequacy; they are part of the human experience, and none of us are immune to the effects of accumulated grief and trauma.
By choosing to face these challenges, you are beginning a journey not just of survival but of transformation. You are allowing yourself the opportunity to mend the cracks with gold and to emerge stronger, more self-aware, and more connected to your true self. The process may not be easy, but it is one of the most profound acts of self-love you can undertake.
